So much has happened, and left us with so many questions. If we were dead, I’d say our souls were left
lingering, lost in space, confused as to whether we are really dead, because we
did not see our “death” coming. Wondering why things happened the way they did.
And because of anger and bitterness at that time I decided to take the easy way
round! Oh yes of course! BLAME GAME seemed like the only way out of the maze. I
decided to overlook all these other signs of a coming storm and took the easy
way out. I guess that was the only reasonable thing for me to do at the time as
it was kind of “served to me” on a platter. Who was I kidding! Thinking it
would make all these feelings go away! Negro please! They say time is the cure
of all pains, but how on earth could I expect the cure when I kept hiding my
wound and pretending I’m nursing it while I kept showing a different one to the
Doctor. Well, it was a matter of time before I realised the need to just face
my demons and let time do its proper healing to the right wound. But still
after this great epiphany, I still wasn’t gutsy enough to get out there and
really talk about this. Meeting up made the situations even worse, emotions
were running high. Heaven knows I needed a hug! Eish!
Anyway, throughout all this suffering, self-torture I must
add, I found a silver lining. I found God, who told me He could relieve me of
this burden. Things felt a little easier but still God was pushing me to deal
with my emotions. He spoke to me through dreams. Now when I look back I can
tell it was all him. Some of the dreams now make sense. Like how I dreamt I had
a son that I wasn’t told about. The thing is in the dream I didn’t see my son,
it was just a conversation between me and the mother. Now this is the
revelation I get from this dream now. The son represented some sort of responsibility
which one could say a bit of a burden. It was something that I had to take care
of but I didn’t. I believe God was saying go back my son and make things right.
There is so much to be said and so much to be heard. Everything made sense
after the “After-cell” meeting. All Glory to God.
A lot was said during the meeting; even I was surprised all
that came from my mouth. I guess that’s what happens when you let your heart do
the talking. Man it’s been a span since I did that! What a great feeling! Even so,
I feel I should just write this down just in case I left some things out. Now
dealing with the events before the event that lead to the separation, there are
so many questions I believe you kept asking yourself. So I will try to address
the ones I can here. I hope what I say here would make most if not all question
marks disappear.
First things first I have to apologise. I have to apologise
for making you look bad. Making you pay for all of this while I had my crimes
to pay for too. What hurts me the most now is how people out there look at you
like you are a bad person. “Oh how could
she do this to you!?” And me sitting there, playing victim around people who didn’t
know a thing about us. All they did was just judge from the outside. I am
genuinely sorry for all this.
Now when I look back, I believe the thing that really messed
me up was getting too comfortable. I was so in love and got too comfortable
along the way. I was too stupid and failed to realise that love alone was not
enough. Some action was needed to manifest that love and I felt at the time
that my future with you was certain. My mind was made up about you. But clearly
I was too stupid to see the big mistake I was making. Making time to spend time
with the friends and saw everyday and complaining that I couldn’t see you whenever you wanted to come over or
for us to just meet. How could I let go of the most amazing thing that has ever
happened to me. I just want you to know that my reaction at the time or lack
thereof to you wasn’t because of you or anything you did. It was all because of
my stupidity and blindness to the mess I was creating. When I think of all the
things I said and the lack of attention I put you through, I feel like what
eventually happened, happened for a reason. I deserved all of it for not
treating you the way I should have. You know, loving you the way you deserved. And for that I would never forgive myself.
Now, I feel really bad because of the scars I caused you. It’s
like I’ve stopped you from feeling again. I don’t like the fact that you’ve
closed yourself to certain feelings and are now even super cautious of things
you do in your relationship. The poor guy doesn’t deserve to suffer because of
me; neither do you have to go through that. I wish I had a way to make it all
go away. For you to open up again and be the best I know you can be.
Now this might sound a little cheesy but, to a certain
extent I feel it does explain greatly how I feel and the regret I have now for
not being the best I could be for you. I mean Bruno Mars puts it nicely in his
song by saying, “Too young, too damn to realise that I should have bought you
flowers and held your hand. Should’ve gave you all my hours when I had the
chance. Taking you to every party because all you wanted to do was dance. Now
my baby is dancing, but she’s dancing with another man.” “My pride, my ego, my
needs and my selfish ways caused a good strong woman like you to walk out of my
life. Now I never, never got to clear up
the mess I made, and it haunts every time I close my eyes. Although it hurts, I’ll be the first to say
that I was wrong. I know I’m probably much too late, to try and apologise for
my mistake, but I just wanted you to know…….”
Even I am surprised I wrote this hehehehe
ReplyDelete